The Legend of Bagger Vance

I have never done military service. In France it used to be mandatory, but I didn't do it, because of a funny ( I think it's not the appropriate word) reason. Perhaps one  day, I will tell you about it...

So I haven't done military service, but yesterday I found myself in the middle of a war zone. I was on a golf course. Let me explain.

In your military jeep (or in this case a little electric car), you travel in all directions, from battle to battle. Each conflicts starts at the border of the  previous battle field and you must invade the new land as fast as possible.

To achieve this you have to be a sniper, estimating distances and the wind force, visualizing the target.... and pow ! 

Be careful !!!!! Sometime the snipers are beginners (or inaccurate marksmen.)Moving in your electric jeep is not risk free. Many white balls fall out of the sky like hailstones. I think helmets should be obligatory.

Often, a few ''snipers''  ''attack'' at the same time and in the same zone. But these snipers are gentlemen and attack in order, one after the other. Just like at the battle of Fontenoy during the Napoleonic war against Great Britain, when a French general invited the English army to shoot first (he was confident of the victory, he was French...), the sniper who shoots the furthest is given the privilege of playing first.

This sport uses similar military vocabulary.... For a difficult sand zone, the Americans use the  term ''sand trap'', and the Brits use ''Bunker''... All highly symbolic....

At the conclusion of this day, I wanted to say thank you to the golfers who were with me for the day. They were very pleasant, friendly and patient with me Perhaps one day I will do my military service and buy a golf club membership.

PS : In Fontenoy the French won. But perhaps because the Brits were poor shooters, but probably the French were just lucky...

Usual Suspect

When I was a child, I regularly had the same nightmare. I arrived at school, all my friends were wearing strange looking clothes, and I was totally nude..... The absolute horror ! I had a variation of this nightmare. Everybody was wearing regular clothes, including me, but I didn't have on my ''normal'' shoes, I was in slippers... I'm sure, with my luck, when I was a child, I would have made this mistake, and it would have been a sports-day at school...

Almost a year ago, the nightmare became a reality but with one modification, (the most important,) I wasn't naked, thankfully, for you...

Halloween ! If you live in Europe, you can't imagine the importance of this day in the USA... By the end of August, you can find all your halloween decorations in the different stores... three months before the date ! If you are a person who is panicked by deadlines, no problem, Halloween is the holiday for you, you can relax. Perhaps the stores are afraid to see a customer leaving with nothing, and disappearing on the horizon....

Why ? Why is this date so important ? I am a fan of crime novels, police movies, thrillers, or, when I am exhausted, even Colombo (it's not too difficult for my foggybrain.) I imediately pose the two important questions ? ''Cherchez la femme ?'' and ''Whodunint ?"

Having some doubt, I decide to forget about ''la femme''. I focus my mind on the tradition of halloween : The children don costumes of spider-man, pirates or witches and they make a racket around their neighborhoods for a few candies. If the costume is not scary enough to frighten people, the children do not hesitate to use threats. Trick or treat has hidden meanings ! Of course all of this is with parental approbation. The children are not alone in using disguises. The adults also dress up... and then process.... on a pub crawl ! Perhaps the adults could use the same stratagem as the children, and save themselves some money !

I scout around the streets discretely, submerging myself in the crowds while looking for a suspect... my usual suspect... After many wild goose chases and dead ends (and popping many pills for my headache,) I recognize them ; The fancydress stores, the candy factories, the dental and psychiatric offices.

One by one, I consider each motive and alibi.

The first supect, the costume store, hibernates during most of the year. Halloween has become essential for it's survival. This day is "the fix" of the book balancing. No, it's a "light-motive" !! Regretfully, my first supect is my first non-supect.

Next, the candy factory : Same motive but the music moves into a minor key. During this day the children are treated to an enormous range of new candies with legions of chemical flavorings. Perhaps they become sugar addicts for the rest of the year, increasing the profits of the candy factories... My instinct screams to me " This is too simple, the candy factories are not guilty... they are only the puppets ". But who is pulling the strings ?

My third supect is the affluent dentist. He rubs his hands in anticipation of huge cavities in baby and adult teeth. Candy is a meal ticket... So evident it must be true. However the country is littered with vending machines selling sugary-soda, in railway station, schools, movies theaters... So he doesn't need Halloween to get bucks and be scared...

So, after this reflection, my mind becomes clear, the guilty party is... Not Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the candle stick but... the psychiatrist in the street with the candies !

Psychiatrists use Halloween to secure the loyalty of the patients starting in childhood providing years of steady income. For the children, the terrror of witches, monsters and ghouls is insidiously translated into their spirit. It's the fuel for the future nervous breakdown. In adults the tradition of the costume feeds their fears and allows the multiple personalities to flourish and fill up the pychiatrists'appointment book. Now the cherry on the cake. When the adult becomes old, all these fears are still present, and the most terrifying monster is the child on Halloween night. Indeed the old person remember his own despicable behaviour on Halloween nights when he was a child, harrassing older people and terrorising the vulnerable.

To conclude my theory, I am sure that the psychiatric's mafia rent a private town house over looking the parade to see if the year will be profitable or not...

Anyways it's a perfect day to shoot pictures with excited people happy to share the fun and show off their costumes and creations.

Gang of New York

The first thing you must know, New York is the most dangerous city in the world.

Firstly your money is at risk ; all the stuff behind the shop windows calls to you and tells you, "Buy me, buy me...." After one day in this city you can hear your bank manager screaming and crying in his office.

Secondly, the military power in this city must be enormous, because each time the aliens attack earth it's always New York first. I don't know why, perhaps they're afraid of Time Square's electricity bills.

Food here is very important, the proof is the nick-name, "The Big Apple." People are like worms courageously eating their way into the apple. You can tour around the world within restaurants in two streets. You can have unusual and surprising encounters on your plate. One day, I found myself face to face with a jelly-fish in a Chinese restaurant. At this point I didn't know who would eat whom ?

Many street vendors sell hot dogs, bagels and squirrel kebabs... I am not sure of this last point, but with the abundance of squirrels in this city, I think it would be a solution to control the population and it would be more economical.

If you haven't a subway map, you can use a substitution product : a map with the locations of Mac Donalds and Starbucks coffee. It's very funny, but at each public transportation stop you sometimes have one, sometimes the other, but often both.

The most predominant color in NYC is yellow, mainly the cabs. You can have a ride, and for the same price, you get both travel and adventure. I guess the taxi drivers learn to drive with the same instructor as "Mad Max". But if you survive the journey, I think you will appreciate your life even more.

I don't enjoy big cities, I feel oppressed, but I love New York. Living here is great. The heart of this city moves with the population. During summer Central Park is the hot spot. When Christmas arrives, the fairy-like atmosphere reigns in the stores, restaurants and streets. Ice rinks appear in different parts of the city. When you hear people talking in the street, the mix of languages creates a new Esperanto. The museums and the arts are the blood of this city. You always come across new places, and meet new people. You always have something new to do.

I am very happy living here.

Gremlins

Cats like "The Gremlins" have rules. These rules are the same for both creatures, but not for the same reasons.

Firstly : Never wet cats ! Especially when you are in your apartment because, in two minutes the cat will run around the walls and rearrange your decor, with a lovely and unique "claws'' touch. If you like punk style you can try this but, just in case, don full plate armor for your protection and your own survival.

Secondly : Like "The Gremlins", cats are photo-sensitive ! For a cat it's not the light... but the "photo". When you are with your cat, you play with him, he looks so cute, he lies on his side and looks you with big eyes. It's the perfect moment for the picture. Your cat waits for you to arrive and the moment you turn on your camera, he leaves with a snobbish disdain.

Thirdly : Never give food to your cat after midnight ! Don't waste your time standing up, going to the kitchen and giving him food... A cat will serve himself from the garbage buffet style.

The cat's senses are highly developed. My cat is living proof of this. She can disinguish the screaming of the yogurt pot as it opened, from many other noises. I try to use the same stratagem when I want to call her - I mimic the sound of dry food... With no result...

It's funny, because I notice that my cat chooses the exact moment when I call her, to play her favorite game, "hide and seek". I think her grandmother must have been an ostrich, because she only hides her head... Is'nt a pity to have a cat not conscious of her own body ?

Many people say, '' Cats are very independant, even antisocial !" I do not think it is true. Cats are very social, above all when you decide to eat in front on the tv. At this time, your cat will show you all the love he has for you. This love has the same measure as the quantity of the food on your plate and decreases with it.

Nevertheless, I am a cat person. I love when my cat comes and lies along my arm to sleep, plays with me or purrs... at dinner-time...